It has been almost 4 years since I had a gun in my mouth, a 357 Mag revolver. I had all 6 chambers loaded, so I wouldn’t have to line everything up, and in case I didn’t get it done the first time I could try again. Then, mere moments before I pulled the trigger, a thought jumped into my head. Just a little thing but it was big enough it stopped me. I haven’t been able to truly self harm since.
It has been over a year since I sat in my dorm room in Yellowstone, holding a knife and wondering where I could stick it so I would have to take it out. I had 2 friends, both of whom were managers, both of whom I thought would have no time for me. So I sat there, metaphorically alone, there were people just a wall away and a few more I was starting to become friends with just down the hall, looking down at the knife, for 3 hours. Until a wave of…I can’t think of the word…came over me and my mind said “You’re a fucking coward. You know you’re not going to do it. So get your ass to bed so you’re not late for work.” I fell asleep, still looking at the knife.
A few hours ago, things happened and I was force to confront some “truths” about myself. I thought myself a terrible person, a toxic person, a poison walking. Corrupting the ground I walk on, corroding people I know, that I like and love. That I’m a monster, put on this earth only to destroy. Worse than a monster. A monster you can kill without remorse, but a monster in the guise of a person, a friend, you can’t do anything about. So I sat there, metaphorically alone, my family was home, looking at my hatchet, unable to find a knife, wondering if I could stab one of the corners into my arm deep enough to do anything. And after a while I got up and grabbed it. And tried. And for the first time drew blood. The pain shocked me back. And I wrapped my arm in a shirt which I will throw away in the morning.
I can share one hard truth with you. Once you have fallen so low, gone that far, you can never go back. Suicide will always be there, waiting. You rarely see him but you will always feel him. And he is a true child of the devil, because he is perfectly patient. He never forces you to chose but he waits at every crossroad, offering an end. And it is tempting. I have started to follow it 3 times, because he knows me. He knows my fears, and what I hate about myself. I am a terrible person, a first rate bastard. When ever someone says that want to hang out with me, I don’t believe them. But I go, because I crave human companionship and acceptance. I’m not a toxic person, I’m not poison. At least I don’t think so. The people I hang out with never seemed lessened by my presence, but neither are they bolstered. There lives would have never been different if they never met me.
But at those crossroads, that is what he says. He is not flat out lying, but neither does he tell the whole truth. He tells just enough to get you to follow his path. And the lies you tell yourself get you to follow. He call grows stronger each time. My sound mind dreads the day when he wins. But, some days, he is my best friend, and I am loath to leave him.